How to deal with PTSD from relationship betrayal
This post will teach you how to deal with your relationship PTSD. We’ll discuss how to help you move through this difficult situation more productively, so we’re going to focus on the option “mourn the relationship, face the deep feelings, heal, and move on.”
Devastating Relationship Betrayal
Recently, I saw an Instagram story that made my mouth drop: an influencer (that I love) was betrayed by her husband.
I felt so many things for her because I had been down the betrayal road so many times...and it hurts like heck.
There’s no ‘right’ way to process a shock like that, but it generally involves a mix of: anger/rage, sadness, mourning, grief, and to be honest there may be a level of retaliation/revenge.
And, of course, since she is in the public eye, she also has to go through this out in the open world. Pheeewwwww that’s a lot, privately, let alone, openly.
I want to openly talk about this, in ways that many don’t talk about due to the shame, the embarrassment, and the ‘shoulda known better’ that you often feel when it happens.
First off, even the smartest, most brilliant and beautiful women out there get blindsided. Trust me, I always had misconceptions around this too, but it can happen to anyone. I’ve been there. Men (or women) can be very good at this type of double-life living gig and can juggle more than you think.
Secondly, nothing is wrong with you, so ppplllllleeeeeeaaaaasssseeeee quit revisiting the past trying to nitpick every little thing that you can’t even change now. THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME. We’ll get to the ONE thing that we have to repair, soon. But, as you process and mourn, put limitations on how long you stay there (if you do find yourself revisiting the past...which is normal).
Thirdly, you can’t force someone to change or heal. This particular person is dealing with (or escaping) more inner work that needs addressed that he isn’t ready to face. That is on him, not you.
Now that we’ve gotten those 3 things out of the way, I want you to tap into how you’re feeling (if you’re currently going through this or if you have in the past). Again, this is about YOU, the person we can control, not the person that we can’t control.
Evaluate Your Thought Life Around the Betrayal
What thoughts did you have about yourself? About him?
How did YOU feel?
What type of actions did you start to take to ‘fix’ you? (I’m using this question to let you see what your brain will instantly want to do, not that you need fixed).
This is where we start. Get clear on what is going on inside YOUR head/heart, and then we tackle moving forward from here. The sooner we stop BLAMING (him, yourself, the world, God) then we can tackle the inner SHAME that is the root of it all.
Alright, so you know your own thoughts that you’re thinking, your thoughts about him, how you’re feeling, and what you feel like you need to ‘fix.’
Again, we need to keep approaching this from what we CAN control, not what we don’t have any control over (him).
The Power to Choose
As much as you think that all control is lost, You have a choice here (yep, you heard that right). You can choose:
To escape the relationship pain and quickly move on
To waste time trying to fix the past
To find evidence of all the reasons why you ‘shoulda known better’
Stalk his social media like crazy (and waste time)
To mourn the relationship, face the deep feelings, heal, and move on
***Again, there’s more you can choose to do, but we’ll stick to these.
I’m here to help you move through this more productively, so we’re going to focus on the option “mourn the relationship, face the deep feelings, heal, and move on.”
And, I will vouch that this DOES work. I had this struggle so bad, at one point in my life, that I couldn’t even drive down the road that he lived on, where I showed up at the house after the ‘betraying act.’ Once I applied this, and took some time and consistency, I no longer had an emotional reaction to that street, to him, to the thoughts, etc.
Mourning What Was
Yes, this can feel just like death (although differently, there are many similarities), so treat this like you would mourning during the death of a loved one. You would give yourself more grace and compassion during a time like this, because you did truly lose someone and are facing the pain of that, as well as the feelings and thought work that come with betrayal.
Expecting excellence at a time like this, and then beating yourself up for not being able to perform at your highest level, is just setting you up for failure. Stop it.
You may have outbursts that happen due to processing feelings that come at the most inopportune time. How can you again, have compassion for yourself during this time, as you’re experiencing deep emotions? Give yourself the gift of slowing down when you can, self care, self love, extra nurturing, and time to “feel in order to heal.” It takes time and there is no trophy for getting there faster than someone else.
You are in recovery, because your heart is broken. Treat yourself the way you would for a bff going through the same thing.
Ask yourself:
What do you need right now?
What do you need boundaries around?
Who do you need to talk to?
What form of self care feels nurturing to you right now?
Who do you need to avoid to not make matters worse?
Discover What You Need to Heal
Start here. I’m telling you, this will help wondrously when you know what you do need and don’t need, and then put boundaries around those needs. When you feel disconnected from yourself, sometimes it helps to think about what you do NOT need to get clear on what you actually need.
As much as you may not see it, yet, your heart is growing its ability to love MORE even why it aches at the moment. There was a song by the artist Sia, called Elastic Heart that I would highly recommend listening to, to fully understand the expansiveness that this song will make you feel no matter what stage of the heartbreak you’re currently in right now.
I always found it more helpful to THINK thoughts of this not truly breaking me, but expanding my capacity to love. Also, I slowly started getting curious about what the relationship truly taught me about myself, about love, about what I wanted next time and also tons of clarity of what I never wanted to deal with again.
Also, I want you to explore how courageous you were, for loving. Do you know how vulnerable it is and brave it is to love? Give yourself kudos.
As I was writing about this, I stumbled upon a post from a marriage and family therapist that I love, Vienna Pharaon:
Three things to consider if you are drawn to unavailable people
“Is there any part of you that’s unavailable? Even if you believe you’re ready for a relationship or love, might there be a part of you that isn’t ready for what the relationship might require of you?”
“Is there any part of you that wants to be the one that moves this person from unavailable to available? If you’ve been in the role of fixer in the past, or your worth/value was dependent on your ability to achieve, you might find yourself drawn in as a way to validate yourself.”
“Are you afraid you’’’ just hurt or disappoint someone once you get into a relationship with them? If you believe you’re just going to let them down you might choose unavailable people in an unconscious effort to avoid the hurt down the road.”
Again, here is where you can CHOOSE to have productive thoughts, that heal and nurture, versus beat yourself up and cause you to go into a depressed, shame spiral.
Those productive thoughts are getting curious about what Pharaon presented above. Ask yourself those questions, because when I initially read this I said “Phhheeeewwwwwww yessssss!!!! That was me!!!”
It took the uncomfortable path of looking at ME & my patterns (something I could control) and not trying to figure out all of my past patterns downfalls (something I couldn’t control).
If you look at any relationship (even the ugly) and can find something inside of it that it taught you, you’ve won. This is a thought that will serve you more than I can even fully express.
Then, start identifying areas within you that maybe you weren’t fully available yet. And, question why. Were you, fully you? Could you effortlessly be yourself? If the answer is no, there is where to start.
Curiosity will change your love game.
Shame will keep you silent, stuck, and sabotaging yourself.
It’s your choice.
Remember, you are brave. You are courageous. You are love. Your heart just grew and became more elastic. YOU ARE RESILIENT. I’m proud of you.
Are you ready for healing?
Are you ready? THIS is how I help you take the reins of your life back & learn how to have the most epic relationship with YOURSELF (which is the root foundation to all other relationships).
I help women create the relationship that they want, faster.
Let’s chat! Click to book a consult call now.
Meg Smithson, Life Coach
Meg coaches women by identifying areas of self sabotage, helping them break up with the shame that usually accompanies that, and then shows them how to set boundaries around the emerging 2.0 version they want to become, and live that life, unapologetically.
Click to schedule a life coaching consultation with Meg.
